For the first twelve years of my life I was not allowed to eat corn dogs. My mother had told us that most likely the delectable treats, I would stare at in culinary wonder, were the product of questionable carnival workers with a penchant for using cat meat to make their goods. Thus began a life filled with worry about things that were most likely untrue.
I was a heavy child so the corn dog myth really got to me. It was almost too much to deal with when I would go to the fair and take in the scent of fried meal and byproducts being churned to a crisp golden brown. I once almost went against my mothers wishes and purchased the treat, until the thought of the local stray calicoes and tabbies being slaughtered, ground up and deep fried began to turn my stomach.
My mother is a very loving person, who only wanted to protect us from the evils of the world, but am one hundred percent positive that she truly believed every urban myth she handed down to us. Looking back some of the conspiracy theories she handed down to us during our childhood, don't seem to make any sense now.
Mom also warned us against purchasing treats from our local ice cream man because she believed it to be a ruse involving an undercover narcotics operation being run from from inside a frozen van. I often imagined the children buying blow pops and crunch bars would be later found in back alleys with their throats slashed in a pool of melted cream mixing with their own blood. To this day I still can't hear the tune "Turkey in the straw" without cringing. Nor can I simply pick up a pack of fudge bars without wondering about the illegal facade being used to bring it into my possession.
As I got older my mothers warnings turned to hazards of the roadway. She warned me to "never run over a box in the street, it may have a baby inside of it." A BABY? FOR REAL? This boggled my teenage mind and I found myself wondering how exactly this feat would happen in the first place. Why would someone put a baby in a box in the street and not just throw it in the garbage? Could they not get the baby to stop crying? Was it like accidentally throwing away an item like your keys, but with a baby instead? Had the baby been bad? I still have the urge to dial Child Protective Services when seeing a bag of trash or packing box that has made it's way into to the street. Part of me actually wants to get out and look for the baby inside, but the logical part of me is too scared to think of actually responding to someone who sees me doing this. "Oh no I am not homeless, just checking for abandoned babies". "YES I"M SERIOUS" "NO I DON'T WANT YOUR DOLLAR, I AM TRYING TO SAVE A NEWBORN LIFE HERE!".
During this time I also witnessed the protective myths and warnings issued by the parents of my peers. In Junior High School a mentally challenged girl by the name of Liz had been told by her mother that if she kissed a boy she would become pregnant. Liz actually had a boyfriend in Junior High, a feat I was actually jealous of. Even today when a relationship ends for me I find myself thinking "Geez I bet Liz doesn't have this problem". Nevertheless, Liz's boyfriend did in fact kiss her. Remembering her mothers warning Liz began to dress in larger blouses and sweat pants to hide what she thought was her impending baby bump. To make matters worse somehow Liz had managed to accidentally superglue her left eyelid shut, forcing her to come to school wearing an eye patch. For a full month that poor girl endured every "retarded baby pirate joke" that could be flung at her until her mother found out about the kiss and set the record straight.
My father had myths of his own he tried to instill in my mind. I look back now and realize his superstitions actually grew out of homophobia. My dad insisted I only watch shows that he thought would not promote any type of gay behavior. MASH and GUNSMOKE reruns were on 24 hours a day. I desperately yearned to watch GOLDEN GIRLS and DESIGNING WOMEN but had been warned previously against viewing them.
I now wonder how a situation comedy centered around four senior citizen women would invoke one to become sexually attracted to a member of the same sex. DAMN BETTY WHITE AND HER GAY AGENDA!
In keeping with my fathers wishes there would be many things in my childhood I would do without including; teal colored clothing, bubbles, facial care products (except LAVA soap), candles and once when I was eleven a really cool R2D2 necklace from the STAR WARS collection.
On the approved list were; flannel shirts, fishing poles, BRUT cologne, RED WING work boots and on special occasions an orange sherbert push up bar from the ice cream man to the chagrin of my mother.
All in all I didn't turn out so bad. I do however eat corn dogs like there is crack cocaine inside of them. Have a frequent buyer card at Yankee Candle. And still find myself sneaking off to watch the Golden Girls. LONG LIVE BETTY WHITE!
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