Broken Chairs and Biker Bullies

A few years after college my good friend Teresa and her husband invited me an annual party their friend Bluto held at his lake house. Yes, Bluto looks exactly like you are imagining him. Six foot five, with a shock of curly black hair exploding away from his face sitting defiantly atop a three hundred pound frame.
My friend David and I accepted the invitaion and made our way toward the lake house. We arrived to find 30-40 people partying in what appeared to be a hippy commune complete with a tie dye station and copious amounts of herbal medication and beer stacked in every fridge and ice cooler on the grounds. The lake house itself was very nice and not what we expected. This was a three level structure with an outside deck on each level overlooking the lake.

As we entered the residence David immediately became nervous and I advised him to just have a beer and try to relax. David was not used to a rougher party crowd and some of these people could definitely party.
As the night progressd we became more and more intoxicated but still well within functioning status. The crowd became louder and louder. Before long I noticed through the main doorway a man entered dressed in what appeared to be a Hells Angel's style Biker getup, complete with a big mustache and dingy denim and leather from head to toe. David had immediately zeroed in on the biker. For one reason or another bikers in particular scared the bejeezus out of David. The look in Davids eyes said; please don't rape me and leave me for dead. This did not look promising.
Ignoring the biker, Teresa and I somehow had begun amusing ourselves by singing redneck mountain music in duet form for the room to enjoy. As we began our tribute to the tv show Beverly Hillbillies, complete with song and dance, the biker mistook our backwoods showmanship for a personal invitation to drunkenly stumble around the room offering his square dancing prowess to anyone who might be interested.

David, now drenched in sweat was averting his eyes to the wandering biker and mouthing what appeared to be the Lords Prayer. Now David was by no means a small guy, shorter than Bluto but weighing the same. David had glued himself to a small wooden chair in the corner atop the munchy food consisting of about 20 bags of Lays potato chips. And then it began to happen. The biker approached David, doing a little jig from side to side, slapping his leg and yelling "YEE HAW" into my friends face. "How bout a little trip around the dance floor buddy"? the biker slurred. A tear formed in the corner of David's eye and he quietly said no thank you to the offer to be paraded around the room by the bastard love child of Grizzly Adams and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
The biker decided he had been rejected enough during the evening and fell on top of david and the rickety chair. David was now receiving what I think was supposed to be a head noogie. David had tried to play it cool and was now in full freak out mode. The last words we heard before it happened was a cry/scream of "NO, GET OFF OF ME PLEASE". And then with a single but defining crack the partygoers eyes all focused on the catastrophe in progress. It seemed to be happening in slow motion. A crack, a splinter, a muffled cry followed by a drunken gaffaw and the next thing you know the chair is in hundreds of pieces and David and the biker locked in an unintentional position that I don't think was cool with Jesus.
To this day that moment still sets the record for the funniest moment of my life. I couldn't help but scream with hilarity as those around me lifted the man off of David and tried to make sure they were both ok.

The biker was eventually escorted from the party and David was now practically inconsolable and embarassed beyond belief. One by one peope came up and patted him on the back and expressed their genuine embarrasment for the situation.
David had offered to pay Bluto for the chair with Bluto telling him not to worry about it. We decided to take David upstairs away from the crowd and potato chip dust that was reminding him of what had just gone down.

On the upper deck David, myself, Teresa and Bluto each relaxed in the cool night air. The deck had been furnished with an expensive patio set that included a giant oak and crystal lantern sitting on the railing that belonged to Bluto's parents. After about a half hour David was now feeling in control again and we decided to try to make our way back down to the party. David had been leaning against the railing behind Bluto and Teresa and pushed himself off the barrier to go inside. As David pushed he also had managed to knock down the lantern wich was now tumbling toward the lake rocks. I looked at David, he looked at me and then came the crash. Bluto having already made his way inside turned around to ask "what was that sound?" "NOTHING" we both said and quickly made our way out of the party.