Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger… then it hit me.



I am as dumb as a box of hair. Oh don't feel sorry for me, this is something I have come to accept and live with. My stupidity and I actually get along very well and never seem to outgrow each other. The list of idiotic things I do and say grows alarmingly out of control with each passing year, or day to be honest. If I am lucky enough to make it to 80 years of age I am likely to be in an insane asylum or a full body cast due to the ridiculous things that go through my mind and that I act upon.

On a recent outing with my friend Nicole we were getting our tickets to see a movie. We went inside and entered the actual theater where our movie was playing. When choosing a seat, from a few rows behind I heard; "Hey Kyle". I turned to see a couple of friends of ours beckoning Nicole and I to come over to chat before the movie started. When we reached the friends I said hello and followed it up with this gem; "so what movie are y'all here to see?". I knew the moment the words escaped my mouth how idiotic this sounded but could not stop speaking and neither could I pull the words back into my mouth. Oh my God you stupid man, I thought to myself, Of course they were there to see the same movie Nicole and I were there to see. You would have thought the fact that they were a mere 3 rows away from me in the same theater would have clued me in to this fact. There was no way to turn it around and I was forced to stand there and watch as the three of them stared at me, probably wondering how someone so stupid had made it to the theater in one piece. It was awkward for a few seconds and then the awkwardness gave way to ridicule at my expense, which I deserved.

The other day I called Nicole and she told me she had been out late and lost her phone the night before. I immediately felt bad for her and then worried. What would she do without a phone? I wondered, maybe I have one I can loan her, I thought. In response to her revelation I then asked "Did you ever find it"?
Soooo....here's the thing, I had just used my phone to call her. I hit "NICOLE" on my contact list, it rang, and she answered. Even a third grader could put 1 plus 2 together faster than I could. After she got done laughing she filled me in on the fact that yes she had indeed found her phone. I am currently taking applications for a third grader to be my personal assistant. I am sure things will get done more efficiently this way.

I think at times my stupidity really begins to drain on my friends nerves. When going to a movie I seem to have a bit of trouble understanding and or keeping up with plots. If I am not asking a question I should obviously know the answer to, I am sitting in the dark totally bewildered about what is happening on the screen in front of me.
My movie buddy Pam must get very tired of me asking things like; "When did she die"?, "What are they doing in that country"? or "I thought this was animated".
Occasionally I will forget what is going on all together and lean over to ask; "Hey Pam, did you watch GLEE last night"? staying focused seems to be another problem, Sorry Pam!

Maybe stupidity is not really my problem. I really think I have ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder. I am completely serious about this. My mind just wanders from one topic to another. I know this bothers my friend Jenifer, she can be pouring her heart out to me about personal and professional problems and after a while will find me staring out a window with a dazed look on my face. After a while I turn to Jenifer and say "Jenifer, where do you think squirrels sleep at night"? "Do you think they sleep inside trees like in cartoons"? This type of response I give to someone leaning on me in a time of need must explain why no one really leans on me in a time of need.

It's not just personal conversations when my stupidity exasperates people. At any given time I may get distracted by a shiny object and follow it into oncoming traffic, interrupt a personal conversation with a hilariously inappropriate and offensive joke I had heard or simply bitch-slap the person I am speaking with for an offense I had just remembered that had happened from months ago. "Why did you do that they cry"? "YOU KNOW WHY" I respond. My friends usually just sit there trying not to make any sudden movements that might spook me. They know that if they give it a couple of minutes I will lose interest in abusing them and move on to wondering what my middle name is.

The older I get the more I just don't care if people think I am stupid or not, GOD knows I will just forget about it five minutes later anyway.

Monday, April 11, 2011

The Car Shart



If success in my life was measured by embarrassing moments, I would be kings of the world. The level of shame I should feel by now would make Tiger Woods blush.

Making a good first impression is not my strong suit. When that first impression is coupled with a first date, my emotions and nerves become overwrought it just becomes a bull in a china shop type disaster.
On a first date years ago the guy I was meeting was very cool calm and collected and I on the other hand had sweated through a shirt and a jacket and paced back and forth in the restaurant lobby, like a crazy person, waiting on my date to arrive.
When he got there, we had some awkward chit chat and ordered our meal. He had ordered salmon and steamed vegetables. I foolishly ordered like I was high at a state fair and selected everything that was either fried or drenched in rich sauce.
Aside from looking like the poster child for an anti-obesity campaign, the food I had chose was simply messy. Halfway through my fried corn on the cob, my date asked me a question. When I looked up I began to speak and chunks of batter and half chewed kernels of corn flew out of my mouth and onto my date. He looked like a vegetarian had had explosively diarrhea all over his face and shirt.
Where do you go after that? His idea was to clean himself off, make light of the situation and excuse himself never to be seen again. I can't blame him

Like so many of my problems, what happened in late 2006 was another result of something horrible flying out of my body at the wrong time.
I had been getting over a stomach bug and was really beginning to feel better. In fact I had gone out with friends to a karaoke bar for the night and was very late getting home. About two miles from the house a gas bubble began to expand inside my intestines and beckoned to be released. I could not stand the pain and knew I had to be careful so I just pressed out a tiny bit to relieve myself if even just a little.
What happened next can be summed up with two words: CAR SHART.
I had managed, at the age of 34 to shit my pants. On top of that by this time I was only two blocks from the house. I drove with my butt off the seat until I arrived in the driveway. Knowing my roommate would be asleep, as he is a school teacher and gets up very early, I tried to be as quiet as I could. I snuck into the bathroom and cleaned myself up and bundled up the soiled clothing. I then went downstairs and discreetly placed the clothes inside and started the washer. I could not let the clothes sit in the hamper or it would end up smelling like a third world country by the morning.
A few minutes later Tom appeared in the laundry room and always positive and extremely easy to get along with, he confronted me about the late night wash and that it had woke him up. I profusely apologized and was forced to admit what I had done. "I shit my pants" geez I really sounded like a naughty toddler saying it out loud. Understanding as ever Tom looked at me and said; "that's OK, it happens to all of us"
Although his remark made me feel better, to this day I still wonder if crapping ones pants is just something that Tom's friends and family actually do on a regular basis and he has just come to accept it as a natural part of life. I mean does this happen to everyone? I can imagine a family sitting down to dinner and the mom nonchalantly telling everyone about her day. "Well I dropped off the dry cleaning, went to the grocery store and uh, oh yeah I made a poo-bomb in my car". And the family just keeps eating and nod their heads in understanding.

I am betting the queen of England has never sharted herself in a royal carriage and had to hold her buttocks up over the seat as the horses make their way back to Buckingham Palace.
I guess at one time or another we are just handed these trials and life feels like a giant heap of shit. It's the grace you have as you emerge from that poo-laden Toyota Corolla that defines you. It also helps to have friends that understand and love you for who you are. And friends that can stand up and say "There goes goes Kyle covered in shit, I've been there, it happens to all of us".

Feel free to include comments as to what one of your most embarrassing moments was!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Paved with Good Intentions



I spend a good deal of time bitching on this blog. SO I wanted to take a few minutes To tell you about some things I have done that have at least began with good intentions and a hopeful heart.
As with pretty much any action I take in life, even these end in disaster and come back to bite me in the ass.

There is a bookstore that I regulary shop at and recently noticed a sign asking for volunteers for an adult literacy program. Teaching adults to read is actually something I have always imagined myself being able to do. First of all volunteering is selfless and makes you feel good, secondly, giving someone the gift of knowledge is priceless.
I filled out the forms and soon began enjoying the idea of mylself sitting with an iliterate person depending on me to fill their head with the power to make something of themselves.
I then started to have visions of myself spelling out CAT. "C-A-T, sound it out" The poor soul, who was lucky enough to get me as a teacher would try to impress me by sounding it out "kaa_AAAH-tttt". NO that's nothing like it is supposed to sound like I would think. It would not take long before I was pounding my fist in frustration and sweat would form on my brow. Eventually I would have enough of the situation and scream "WRONG! IT'S CAT STUPID"! Then I would stand up, flip the table over on it's side and march right out the door.
Luckily the iltiteracy group filled their required volunteer quota and an itliterate person was spared my impatience.

For a brief time in 2002 I decided my life should include a bit of spirituality. I told myself going to church would be good for my soul, but the truth of the matter is I was just there to meet men. You can't really blame me for looking outsife of the bar for a boyfriend, and I thought that might be a good idea.
This was a predominantly gay church and that is what drew me to it (sorry Jesus).
This church was totally different from the conservative church I had grew up in where it was wrong to have instrumental music in the church or to dance.
The social aspect of the church was just amazing. Mimosas in the undercroft before and after services, fund raising events that involved costumes and elaborate themes and on one occasion even bar hopping after services in the name of spreading the good word. A lot of things were spread that night but I am not sure the word of God was one of them.
Approriately enough there was always a lof of kneeling we had to do during the services, allowing one to bow in redepmtion and also to strengthen the knees.
I would spend my kneeling time peeking out over the bowed heads of the congregation to view the most eligible members or to scout options for dating material.
I would like to say I actually did some good by joining the church, but that would be lying, and lying as we all know is a sin!
I don't think anyone really cared why I was there as long as I made a monetary contribution and showed up to the parties. The biggest sin one could committ whithin this congregation was to wear something that was from last season. For what it's worth I did like the people and I will always cherish my time spent at Our Lady of Snarky Comments.

On a visit to Borders Bookstore my friend David and I discovered a homeless man sitting outside begging for money. Touched by his need David and I set out for the grocery store to purchase essentials this man might need to brave his life on the streets.
David began accumlating twinkies, Little Debbie snack cakes and an assortment of candy bars. Apparently David assumed the man was not only homeless but a pothead.
I on the other hand had collected hair gel, body lotions an an assortment of lip balms. I had assumed the man was not only homeless but gay also.
By the time we returned to the bookstore the man was already gone. We ended up eating the candy and I adivsed David I knew of a great local gay church we could donate the body products to.

Most recently my good deed has backfired. Admittedly my good deed is really for my own benfit. There is a little scam I have going on at the deli counter of my local grocery store. The deli offers a $3 special for a bag of 2 chicken tenders and an handfull of potatoes. My scam is that I immediately engage the deli counter person in friendly chit-chat so that they will feel befriended and lose track of time,,all while forgetting they are stuffing my bag with an over amount of items. ( I said it was a scam I didn't say it was a good one or was very interesting).
Believe it or not this really works and the deli personell now know me by name and start getting my bag ready for me before I even get to the counter. I begin to ask about their family or job and the bag gets more full by the second.
I was out the other day away from the grocery store and saw one of the deli girls. She is always very friendly, too friendly and I stand there and listen to her crap all in the name of a bunch of extra calories I dont even need. The girl was very smiley and flirty and then proceeded to tell me I might have lost a little weight. I thanked her and responded that I was still chowing on chicken and potatoes so I probably hadn't actually lost any. Her rebuttal to this was; "that's ok I like a guy that's a little chubby".
My first thought was to reach out and bitch slap her. My second thought was that I might just stand there and cry for being called chubby. Lastly my third thought was genunine revulsion. I was being hit on by a cougar who had a bit of the mange and a moustache that would rival Tom Sellecks.
She ended the conversation by brining it in for the real thing and wrapping her greasy frame around mine to give me a bear hug. Although,,the smell of the chicken batter in her hair did stimulate something in me.
I swore from that moment on I would switch my focus to engaging the new guy in fruits and vegatables in small talk.

Friday, April 1, 2011

10 Things I hate about you



People are just plain horrible. There I said it, and that being said, I don't feel that way in general about everybody, but there is a little list I keep in the back of my mind to rate my hatred.
I understand hate is a strong and horrible word, just let me say I only use it here to describe my loathsome feelings toward certain types of people and it is my hope they suffer harm and cruelty.
My list is compiled from least to most annoying.

#10 The Clown Child
It's fun to be silly and light-hearted to a point. I once worked with a co-worker who thought it was cute to speak in the voice of a child. This behavior after about two minutes surpasses cute and and just becomes annoying. I found myself wanting to slap her across the face for talking back. (note to self: don't have children)

#9 The Sad Doll
You know the type. It's the person who is always dealing with strife and disappointment in their life and takes it upon themselves to dump it all on you. Hey Frowny McSadPants, we get it, your life is a hot mess. Guess what? So is mine, I just don't take out a billboard to advertise it.

#8 The Perv
Absolutely no one loves to say "that's what she said" more than myself. An occasional sexual innuendo has it's place in a social environment. But if you find yourself giggling every time you say the following words: Hard, Kitty, Wood, Blow, or Junk, it is probably time to only start hanging out with 11 year olds.

#7 The Bore
You never have anything interesting to say, no ideas on what might be fun to do on a Saturday afternoon. Your idea of fun is to sit in a quiet room watching life pass you by. Welcome to Snoozeville population: YOU. You know what might be fun? Hanging with someone with a pulse.

#6 The Creeper
It's that person who always has something to hide. It's the person who thinks Holocaust or Pedophile jokes are appropriate and funny to share at a dinner party. Look around. Are people actually laughing WITH you? We would rather invite drunk clowns with Bi-Polar disorder to game night than endure another round of Scrabble with you.

#5 The Psycho
Full of drama, these individuals are quick to recant their latest story of being date raped, car jacked or water boarded. We endure their conspiracy theories, dating dramas and full on bat shit crazy hissy fits. The energy level it takes to listen to their over-the-top stories could power an electric shock therapy machine that could probably solve the problem all together.

#4 The Flake
This is such a pet peeve of mine. I have a friend that flakes more than dandruff and Wheaties combined. This friend is a constant no call/no show for lunch dates, parties or general get-togethers. I personally try to make it a point to be there if I say I am going to be there and arrive on time. This friend even RSVP's at my birthday party once only to not bother showing up. My friend, much like my birthday candles I stopped counting on long ago.

#3 The Bitch
This is the person we all know that is constantly pissed off at the world, and FYI it is NEVER their fault. If I wanted to be around someone that is constantly yelling at me about things that are most definitely out of my control, I would just move back in with my dad.

#2 The Turd
Nearing the top of my list are those who can't seem to master the equation of SOAP + WATER = CLEAN. HEY NASTYBRITCHES, How hard is it to swipe a toothbrush across those rotted tic-tacs you call teeth? While you're at it, lets discover the wonders of deodorant also. There is nothing worse than sitting next to someone stewing in their own festering blend of greasy dead skin cells and rancid body odor. Granted a Lifetime Television Movie is probably a bit worse, but that is another list all together.

#1 The Snob
I don't care how much money you make. Did I ask where you went to school? I am not jealous of the car you drive, and I don't give two shits about the clothes you wear. In the wise words of a Miss Shania Twain "That don't impress me much". Those who think they are better than others for absolutely any reason, piss me off. How do you expect me to be a stand up kinda guy, when you are constantly bringing me down?

So there you have it. My little list of life's most obnoxious types of people.
Sorry if this just seems to be my own little bitch-fest. I have to deal with these feelings somehow,,,at least it's not METH.