I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger… then it hit me.

I am as dumb as a box of hair. Oh don't feel sorry for me, this is something I have come to accept and live with. My stupidity and I actually get along very well and never seem to outgrow each other. The list of idiotic things I do and say grows alarmingly out of control with each passing year, or day to be honest. If I am lucky enough to make it to 80 years of age I am likely to be in an insane asylum or a full body cast due to the ridiculous things that go through my mind and that I act upon.

On a recent outing with my friend Nicole we were getting our tickets to see a movie. We went inside and entered the actual theater where our movie was playing. When choosing a seat, from a few rows behind I heard; "Hey Kyle". I turned to see a couple of friends of ours beckoning Nicole and I to come over to chat before the movie started. When we reached the friends I said hello and followed it up with this gem; "so what movie are y'all here to see?". I knew the moment the words escaped my mouth how idiotic this sounded but could not stop speaking and neither could I pull the words back into my mouth. Oh my God you stupid man, I thought to myself, Of course they were there to see the same movie Nicole and I were there to see. You would have thought the fact that they were a mere 3 rows away from me in the same theater would have clued me in to this fact. There was no way to turn it around and I was forced to stand there and watch as the three of them stared at me, probably wondering how someone so stupid had made it to the theater in one piece. It was awkward for a few seconds and then the awkwardness gave way to ridicule at my expense, which I deserved.

The other day I called Nicole and she told me she had been out late and lost her phone the night before. I immediately felt bad for her and then worried. What would she do without a phone? I wondered, maybe I have one I can loan her, I thought. In response to her revelation I then asked "Did you ever find it"?
Soooo....here's the thing, I had just used my phone to call her. I hit "NICOLE" on my contact list, it rang, and she answered. Even a third grader could put 1 plus 2 together faster than I could. After she got done laughing she filled me in on the fact that yes she had indeed found her phone. I am currently taking applications for a third grader to be my personal assistant. I am sure things will get done more efficiently this way.

I think at times my stupidity really begins to drain on my friends nerves. When going to a movie I seem to have a bit of trouble understanding and or keeping up with plots. If I am not asking a question I should obviously know the answer to, I am sitting in the dark totally bewildered about what is happening on the screen in front of me.
My movie buddy Pam must get very tired of me asking things like; "When did she die"?, "What are they doing in that country"? or "I thought this was animated".
Occasionally I will forget what is going on all together and lean over to ask; "Hey Pam, did you watch GLEE last night"? staying focused seems to be another problem, Sorry Pam!

Maybe stupidity is not really my problem. I really think I have ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder. I am completely serious about this. My mind just wanders from one topic to another. I know this bothers my friend Jenifer, she can be pouring her heart out to me about personal and professional problems and after a while will find me staring out a window with a dazed look on my face. After a while I turn to Jenifer and say "Jenifer, where do you think squirrels sleep at night"? "Do you think they sleep inside trees like in cartoons"? This type of response I give to someone leaning on me in a time of need must explain why no one really leans on me in a time of need.

It's not just personal conversations when my stupidity exasperates people. At any given time I may get distracted by a shiny object and follow it into oncoming traffic, interrupt a personal conversation with a hilariously inappropriate and offensive joke I had heard or simply bitch-slap the person I am speaking with for an offense I had just remembered that had happened from months ago. "Why did you do that they cry"? "YOU KNOW WHY" I respond. My friends usually just sit there trying not to make any sudden movements that might spook me. They know that if they give it a couple of minutes I will lose interest in abusing them and move on to wondering what my middle name is.

The older I get the more I just don't care if people think I am stupid or not, GOD knows I will just forget about it five minutes later anyway.