Saturday, November 19, 2011

Sex doesn't always sell

I once had a roommate named Gloria. The first time I had met Gloria I was meeting her to rent a room in her house. She seemed professional, focused and completely normal in every way. She was friendly and had a good demeanor and seemed to naturally carry herself with an ease of confidence. I agreed to move in with Gloria and things went pretty well until I started discovering little things that seemed a bit odd. I knew Gloria had an issue with security in the house, in her own words "I found a dead body in my backyard when I was little". I on the other hand had found a dollar bill on the sidewalk when I was little. Don't make too much of it I told myself,,,people are not all the same.

The paranoia continued to build in the house until one night I got a knock on my bedroom door. Gloria stood there shaking. Was it another body I wondered? I soon found out it was not, but Gloria proceeded to lead me into her room and look at the ceiling. What am I looking at I wondered. Gloria then pointed to a corner in the ceiling where a piece of plaster about an inch in circumference had cracked and fallen to the floor. "I think there is someone in the attic trying to drill their way into my room" she announced. NOT CRAZY I said to myself trying to cast away the urge to grab her myself and stuff her into the attic to prove there were no psychopathic serial killers with hand tools and a penchant for young ladies with panic disorders.
After reassuring Gloria she had a shitty plaster job and talking her down from the ledge for an hour I went to bed and tried to put it behind me. NOT CRAZY I said to myself, just ignore it.

Well, a week went by and no other attempts had been made on her life so I thought we were golden. That is until I discovered her need for strangers to know about her insane tirades. We were on our way to the movies and we were picking up a new co-worker friend of Gloria's. Lacey stepped into the vehicle and after introducing myself found out Gloria had only known Lacey a short time and this was the first time they had really got the chance to speak outside of work.

Lacey was new to the area, about 27 years old and already had 3 children, a strict conservative christian faith and what appeared to be a low tolerance for anything besides Jesus and kids.

Upon learning of our new friends convictions the voice inside my head said "Hey Kyle, to each their own, live and let live."

The voice inside Gloria's head said, "Hey Gloria, you should share with her your stories of inappropriate sexual encounters that have gone wrong."

I am not sure if Gloria thought telling about her sexual trysts would endear her to her new friend or if it would make her appear hip and cool or maybe the voices in her head just demanded she do it. I don't know.

I finished telling Lacey about where I had grown up and a little work history and general interests. As I finished, this seemed to be Gloria's cue to dive into a story about a first date she had been on in which the night had ended in a clumsy attempt at sexual intercourse in the front seat of her dates car. Gloria went into detail about the type of kissing involved, foreplay and even threw in a few details about the actual penetration, just so everyone knew exactly what point we were at in her story.

Our new friend sat in the passenger seat feigning a semblance of interest into the dirty details of Gloria's sexcapades. I myself sat in the back seat behind Gloria feeling completely awkward in disbelief and shock as the true meaning of TMI was showcased before me.

Gloria was completely non-chalant in concluding her story as if she was giving some sort of weather report. Come to think of it I think she did mention the words "moisture in the southern region at some point."

As we sat in an uneasy silence, I just wanted to lean over to Lacey and whisper "I had nothing to do with that bat-shit crazy sex story you were just forced to listen to" Alas I could not do this and was forced to send Lacey apologetic glances in the passenger side rear view mirror.

Before we reached our destination Gloria had dove into another story that ended with her revealing that she stalks her ex boyfriend and had at one point in their relationship actually lost a condom inside her vagina. Our new friend had her hand on the door handle of the car ready to leap out if by chance Gloria slowed to less than 10 mph.

As our friend exited the car, I took her place in the front seat readying myself for a fresh gem concerning her reproductive system which I was bound to hear on the ride back home.

I never heard from Lacey after that meeting. I am sure she spent the next six months showering and trauma counseling does leave little time for social occasions.