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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Paved with Good Intentions



I spend a good deal of time bitching on this blog. SO I wanted to take a few minutes To tell you about some things I have done that have at least began with good intentions and a hopeful heart.
As with pretty much any action I take in life, even these end in disaster and come back to bite me in the ass.

There is a bookstore that I regulary shop at and recently noticed a sign asking for volunteers for an adult literacy program. Teaching adults to read is actually something I have always imagined myself being able to do. First of all volunteering is selfless and makes you feel good, secondly, giving someone the gift of knowledge is priceless.
I filled out the forms and soon began enjoying the idea of mylself sitting with an iliterate person depending on me to fill their head with the power to make something of themselves.
I then started to have visions of myself spelling out CAT. "C-A-T, sound it out" The poor soul, who was lucky enough to get me as a teacher would try to impress me by sounding it out "kaa_AAAH-tttt". NO that's nothing like it is supposed to sound like I would think. It would not take long before I was pounding my fist in frustration and sweat would form on my brow. Eventually I would have enough of the situation and scream "WRONG! IT'S CAT STUPID"! Then I would stand up, flip the table over on it's side and march right out the door.
Luckily the iltiteracy group filled their required volunteer quota and an itliterate person was spared my impatience.

For a brief time in 2002 I decided my life should include a bit of spirituality. I told myself going to church would be good for my soul, but the truth of the matter is I was just there to meet men. You can't really blame me for looking outsife of the bar for a boyfriend, and I thought that might be a good idea.
This was a predominantly gay church and that is what drew me to it (sorry Jesus).
This church was totally different from the conservative church I had grew up in where it was wrong to have instrumental music in the church or to dance.
The social aspect of the church was just amazing. Mimosas in the undercroft before and after services, fund raising events that involved costumes and elaborate themes and on one occasion even bar hopping after services in the name of spreading the good word. A lot of things were spread that night but I am not sure the word of God was one of them.
Approriately enough there was always a lof of kneeling we had to do during the services, allowing one to bow in redepmtion and also to strengthen the knees.
I would spend my kneeling time peeking out over the bowed heads of the congregation to view the most eligible members or to scout options for dating material.
I would like to say I actually did some good by joining the church, but that would be lying, and lying as we all know is a sin!
I don't think anyone really cared why I was there as long as I made a monetary contribution and showed up to the parties. The biggest sin one could committ whithin this congregation was to wear something that was from last season. For what it's worth I did like the people and I will always cherish my time spent at Our Lady of Snarky Comments.

On a visit to Borders Bookstore my friend David and I discovered a homeless man sitting outside begging for money. Touched by his need David and I set out for the grocery store to purchase essentials this man might need to brave his life on the streets.
David began accumlating twinkies, Little Debbie snack cakes and an assortment of candy bars. Apparently David assumed the man was not only homeless but a pothead.
I on the other hand had collected hair gel, body lotions an an assortment of lip balms. I had assumed the man was not only homeless but gay also.
By the time we returned to the bookstore the man was already gone. We ended up eating the candy and I adivsed David I knew of a great local gay church we could donate the body products to.

Most recently my good deed has backfired. Admittedly my good deed is really for my own benfit. There is a little scam I have going on at the deli counter of my local grocery store. The deli offers a $3 special for a bag of 2 chicken tenders and an handfull of potatoes. My scam is that I immediately engage the deli counter person in friendly chit-chat so that they will feel befriended and lose track of time,,all while forgetting they are stuffing my bag with an over amount of items. ( I said it was a scam I didn't say it was a good one or was very interesting).
Believe it or not this really works and the deli personell now know me by name and start getting my bag ready for me before I even get to the counter. I begin to ask about their family or job and the bag gets more full by the second.
I was out the other day away from the grocery store and saw one of the deli girls. She is always very friendly, too friendly and I stand there and listen to her crap all in the name of a bunch of extra calories I dont even need. The girl was very smiley and flirty and then proceeded to tell me I might have lost a little weight. I thanked her and responded that I was still chowing on chicken and potatoes so I probably hadn't actually lost any. Her rebuttal to this was; "that's ok I like a guy that's a little chubby".
My first thought was to reach out and bitch slap her. My second thought was that I might just stand there and cry for being called chubby. Lastly my third thought was genunine revulsion. I was being hit on by a cougar who had a bit of the mange and a moustache that would rival Tom Sellecks.
She ended the conversation by brining it in for the real thing and wrapping her greasy frame around mine to give me a bear hug. Although,,the smell of the chicken batter in her hair did stimulate something in me.
I swore from that moment on I would switch my focus to engaging the new guy in fruits and vegatables in small talk.

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