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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Bad Romance



I am a true believer in romance. I like cards, flowers and gifts as much as anyone, but what really makes an impact with me is how well the first date goes. Unfortunately my first dates go about as well as a Charlie Sheen custody trial.

On a recent date I let the guy I had met pick the restaurant we would be dining. Keep in mind I am a gay man about to go on a date with another gay man. I was instructed to be at Hooters precisely at 6pm. Was this a joke of some sort I wondered. Could I possibly be getting punked? Unfortunately it was not a joke. I spent about fifteen minutes of our first date hearing about his sexual rendezvous, bouts with depression and legal mishaps. Next came a course of warm beer, greasy chicken wings and more than a fair share of breasts. I couldn't take anymore and excused myself and walked out.

On another occasion I was asked out by a doctor to go to a Mexican restaurant. You would think a doctor might be able to afford a date, especially if he is doing the asking. This was not the case however. We had met online and the picture I had access to showed a fairly good looking gentleman in his late 30's, dark hair with a friendly smile. When the man showed at my door step I almost shooed him away with a broom. Was it just me or was this man the spitting image of the character Gollum from the Lord of the Rings sage?
Gollum asked that I drive to the restaurant that he had chosen. We arrived at a very nice Latin restaurant and were soon given chips and salsa at our table. Immediately Gollum reached out both arms wrapping them around the chips and salsa and pulling them to him in something like a protective bear hug. I reached into the bowl for a chip and am not sure but I think he had started to growl at me.
When it came time to pay I would have been fine paying for my own, but Gollum had asked me to come here, to an expensive restaurant with him. We both stared at the bill like it was some sort of circus side show highway accident, until I could take no more and paid the Bill myself. Gollum asked me to watch a movie at his house with him , but fearing I might have to pay part of the cable bill I politely declined. Gollum slinkered back to his condo, his belly full of chips and salsa.

My first date with a co-worker was with a man I had worked with at my second job at Restoration Hardware. I was very excited to go out with Ryan. He was very attractive, seemed a little shy but friendly and sweet. Our first date involved ordinary take out and watching a movie at my place. Everything was going fine until Ryan announced he thought he had another movie in his car we might enjoy. Honestly I think it was clear we both were not enjoying the acting skills of Madonna in the feature presentation "The Next Best Thing", so I said fine. Ryan returned with a large selection of pornographic movies and announced we could watch any that I wanted to "my choice". For real man? Why does that freak factor have to come out every stinking time? Why can't, just once, the movie my date brings with him be "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and not "Breakfast for Tiffany".

I think my worst date would have to be with a younger guy. Mark was always at the clubs when I was still going out in my late 20's. Eventually he asked me out and aside from being a little immature he seemed like an OK guy. Mark took me to Red Lobster and to impress me ordered a bottle of wine. Really it doesn't take that much to impress me on a first date anymore. Show up with shoes and most all your teeth and we can usually strike a deal. Mark insisted on the wine and our server asked for his identification. Mark immediately looked nervous and handed the waiter his drivers license. The waiter apologized and announced he could not offer Mark wine because he was underage. OK, so he is not 21 like he told me and is 20, no biggie i thought to myself. I am sure he is embarrassed and doesn't want to bring it up. As our conversation progressed I asked if he had class in the morning. Mark had told me that he was in his first year of college. "Tomorrow is a teacher work day. In College? I pondered. Oh sweet baby Jesus this was not happening to me. A million thoughts immediately ran through my mind and half of them involved NBC's Chris Hanson and a decoy. I immediately carded Mark. EIGHTEEN he was in high school. HIGH SCHOOL! but thank God he was 18. Had it really come to this? Me, escorting high school seniors to the local Red Lobster?

All in all I am still a believer in first dates. I just now try to not let them involve high school students, boobie bars or porn.

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