Humor Blogs

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Justified and Ancient



The saying "life gets better with age" was probably stated by someone with Alzheimers. In my opinion life as we know it does not get better with age but instead caters to the young, the goodlooking and the idiotic. Taken into account this reasoning may explain the popularity of UGGS, Botox and every member of the Kardashian family.

At the age of 39 I still find myself sometimes wandering into an Abercrombie and Fitch. Yes thank you, I am aware of the age group of the shoppers of this store but I can still look can't I? I think this is some sort of majical store that can alter a person just by walking through the doors. Without any explanation whatsoever my age doubles to 78 the minute I step inside. I grab my ears in disgust as the "sinful devils music" is blasted from the sound system. Is it me or is it just soooo loud in there? Don't answer that question.
Every wall in this store is splayed with 15 by 20 foot pictures of supermodels, both male and female, who seem to look down on me as to say "Hey fatty, we have no big and tall section here, be on your way." I look down in shame and run past the mannequins, who even seem to have a condescending look on their lifeless faces.
It's not that I am severly overweight, it's just that a size large at Abercrombie is what many would consider a size more appropriate for an anorexic toddler.

Now that I am older, throwing caution to the wind is totally out of the question, whereas getting winded or breaking wind seem to be more of a common occurrence.

Going out with friends on a marathon binge of Jack Daniels with beer chasers has been replaced by staying in for a Murder She Wrote marathon, drinking a slimfast and then chasing the neighbor kids out of my yard.

The toys of my youth involved Slinkys, Play-Doh and G.I. Joe. The toys of today are more likely to be video games that involve assalting hookers, killing nazi zombies. Girls may choose to play with a new line of urban whore dolls who come complete with their own std's and coupon for a free tattoo.

I haven't quite gotten to the point where I am having dinner at 4 in the afternoon at a Luby's Cafetaria, but those 1 a.m. McDonalds runs are a thing of the past.

When I buy alcohol or order a drink at a restaurant I find myself anticipating being asked for my I.D. or at the very least questioned about my age in some manner. "Surely sir, you are much too young to be legally partaking in alchohol" our server will say. "In fact can we get you a childs menu."
Instead I sit card at the ready and am met with a knowing smirk that says "put your drivers license away old man and if you play your cards right I may even throw in a senior discount."

The absolute worst thing about getting older is that people stop getting your references. I was introduced to a new co-worker not too long ago whose name is Carol. "Hello Carol" I said "so good to meet you , but I am horrible with names so I will think of Carol Burnett whenever I see you to remember your name." Carol is a very nice sweet girl who responded with a polite laugh and said "I just love Carol Burnett" I was delighted to hear she was a fan of someone I also enjoyed and remarked "Oh you are familiar with her work?" "no" said Carol "but my grandfather is a big fan and tells me about her all the time."

There are of course plusses to getting older. No one expects you to remember things like graduations, dr. appointments or your own name most of the time.

That pungent aroma of Ben-Gay, lonliness and Death seem to keep away unwanted attention from pets. On the flip side of this argument, Who is going to judge you if you become an animal hoarder? I mean what else do you have going on?

And lastly rest assured no one will ask you to babysit, when it is your own diapers that constantly need changing.

Yes, it's a harsh new world for the elderly of tomorrow. The best you can do is slap on a new pair of depends and try not to give a shit.

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