Several years ago some friends and I would get together every year in Coeur D'Alene, Idaho to go on what is popularly known as a booze cruise. This endeavour involved two of my favorite things. The first was the tranquility of cruising a beautiful glacial lake enveloped by the Rocky Mountains of Northern Idaho and the second: booze.
The cruise company sold these buckets of liquor concoctions called "De-railers". To the best of my knowledge the recipe for "De-railers" is one cup fruit punch and 3 gallons of whatever is running through Lindsay Lohans bloodstream.
My problem with these drinks is that they are meant to share. My friend Nikki and I were "sharing" this beverage, but from her point of view I am sure it was more like her having a sip while watching me guzzle the bucket of alcohol faster than one of those hot dog eating champions from Japan. It no doubt became embarrassing for her when at one point onlookers applauded and began dialing the Guinness Book of World Records to question the fastest anyone has ever died from alcohol poisoning.
I was a completely at ease, in the middle of an ice-blue crystal clear lake, surrounded my friends and best of all my buzz was in full effect. The were a few people at our table of friends I did not know very well, one of these being a girl named Stacy who I was becoming fast friends with. The boat was set up so that there were tables in the lower deck and a huge dance floor on the top. What happened next I can only blame on the "De-railers" and my own drunken lack of common sense. Most of the girls had gone upstairs to dance leaving the guys downstairs to drink and visit.
Under our table I had noticed my friend Nikki's shoes on the floor next to my seat. Given the opportunity I will make a complete jackass out of myself for a quick laugh, and this occasion was no different. In my head I told myself "How funny would it be to put on her clogs, march upstairs and begin dancing right next to Nikki while wearing her shoes. Drunk Kyle decided this plan was genius and I slipped on the way too small shoes and began maneuvering my way up the steep side steps that bordered the edge of the boat towards the upstairs dance floor.
I reached the top deck, spotted Nikki and made my may over to her clumsily wearing her clogs, readying myself for the laugh of a lifetime. "How funny is this I thought
as I reached Nikki only to look down and discover that Nikki was in fact already wearing her shoes. "What how could this be" I thought.
I quickly scanned the dance floor and noticed my new friend Stacy dancing in near the middle of the dance floor in her bare feet. "Oh Shit" is what immediately came to mind.
Now the next step for any logical person would be to remove the shoes I had basically stolen from a girl who 15 minutes ago I had never met. This for some reason was out of the question for me and I slowly teetered backwards toward the stairs leading back downstairs.
Step by step I was as careful as I could possibly be while being drunk on a moving boat, going down 6 by 14 inch steps bordering an open lake. Blame it on my stupidity or the "De-railers" but the inevitable happened and I was soon tumbling down the steps landing 10 feet down on the lower deck with my body on the floor and my legs hanging off the side.
I was drunk and a little bruised but safe. And then I heard it hit the water. "Plunk" Stacy's shoe had been balancing off the end of my big toe and fell straight down into the water. I quickly scrambled to reach out into the water and collect the shoe but instead it floated right past my hand. I very briefly considered diving into the frigid water to collect the shoe but then thought about the headline the next day. "Drunk man dies attempting to collect ladies footwear."
I made my way back to the table and waited for Stacy to explain the details of her missing clog. Stacy, for her part, was a real trooper about the incident. I am guessing the "De-railers" she had been drinking were partly to blame for her nonchalant reaction.
I managed to keep my embarrassed, drunk ass under control until we made landfall again and decided to finish the evening with an early breakfast at Denny's.
I immediately asked for a cup of coffee to help sober up a little. I sat next to my friends Leslee and Derek, who at the time had only been married a few years. Reaching for the artificial sweetener someone remarked, "Kyle, that stuff will give you cancer". Ever at the ready to produce a snappy comeback I replied "A little cancer never killed anyone!" A round of laughter filled our booth and I started feeling just a little better about the nights events and recovering from my embarrassment. That is until my friend Leslee casually turned to me and whispered quietly in my ear "you know Dereks first wife died of cancer, Right?"
No comments:
Post a Comment